The Right Way to Criticise your Child

We have been encouraging parents to praise their children.  What if the child is wrong?  Do we ever reprimand our children?  Dr. Martin Seligman in “The Optimistic Child” suggests parents watch the way they criticize children to help them be more resilient.  I have adapted an extract from his book to help us understand why we ought to consider the way we talk to our children. 

Children learn some of their explanatory style from parents and teachers.  They listen to how adults criticize them and absorb the style of the criticism as well as the substance.  If you criticize your child as lazy, rather than as not trying hard enough today, your child will believe not only that he is lazy but that his failures come from permanent and unchangeable factors.  Children often listen closely to the way parents interpret their own misfortunes and model their style.  If you are a pessimist, your child is learning pessimism directly from you.

You must therefore be thoughtful when you criticize your child, or yourself in front of your child, for you are shaping his explanatory style about self-blame. The first rule is accuracy.  Exaggerated blame produces guilt and shame beyond what is necessary to galvanise the child to change.  However, no blame at all erodes responsibility and nullifies the will to change.

The second rule is that whenever reality allows, you should criticize with an optimistic explanatory style.  When parents unthinkingly criticise their child with permanent and pervasive messages, the child begins to acquire a pessimistic style himself.  When they blame changeable and specific causes of the problem, the child begins to learn optimism.  If you find your child is at fault, it is important to focus on specific and temporary personal causes, if truth allows, and avoid blaming the child’s character or ability.  Here are a few examples of good and bad criticism of a preschooler.